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if he were
alive, .............he would probably tell these jokes.
I met this
bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I
thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
This lorry
full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.. It
was a turtle
disaster.
I told my
girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No,
permanent.'
I went in to
a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want
an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I bought
some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
before End'
---------------------------
I went to
buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?' I said
'No, just a
watch.'
I went into
a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The
bloke said
'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
My mate is
in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
I went to
the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He
said,
'You've got cholera.'
I met the
bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, its P
something T something R.
I was
reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
I phoned the
local ramblers club, but the bloke who answered just went
on and on.
The
recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work? I said
'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
I was in the
jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, 'You
don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No,
this is for
the custard.'
This
policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He
said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
I told my
mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?' I said,
'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything..'
I phoned the
local builders, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside
my house?'
He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
This cowboy
walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
I was
driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made
me managing
director and I went right off into a tree. The police came
and asked me
what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
I visited
the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in
there.
I was
stealing things in the supermarket while balanced on the
shoulders of
a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.
I bought a
train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
'Eurostar?'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the
local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He
said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays
or
Thursdays.'
I went to
the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He
said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
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